Theory Testing
by NightingaleLost
Summary: The girls can't possibly be right, right? How could the fights between Kyle and Cartman be secretly a sign of lust? Was that why they really put up with each other? There's only one way to find out...


I HAVE DECIDED TO DO MY _OWN_ KYMAN! Just you knbow, the way I see it. Cuz I don't really think Kyle is the pussy everyone portrays him as. Like, seriously. He could whup Cartman's ass any day. Really.

**Disclaimer: Yes, I own this. I totally ow-hey, what're you doing? What? Are those handcuffs? Hey! Hey, let go of me, I own South Park dammit! I do! No you can't do this! I'm too young to go to jaaaaail!**

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><p>"Ay, don't call me fat, Jew-rat!"<p>

"Stop belittling my people, you _fat_ son of a a bitch!"

"At least I'm not th-"

"Oh my God, will you both _stop it?_" Wendy's exasperated cry stopped the argument, if only for a bit while they turned to stare at her. "Why is this still going on? It's the same thing, over and over and over; it might have been entertaining for a couple of days, but _please_, it's just agonizing now." She glared at them.

The boys turned to look at Stan, who was studiously ignoring the entire conversation. Kenny was going to say something, but a lunch tray spun through the air and decapitated him. As his head dropped to the ground and his body flopped onto the table, Stan suddenly perked up indignantly.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!" Kyle cried, glaring back int the direction that the tray had come from.

Wendy rolled her eyes but said nothing, and Bebe suddenly piped up, "You can't be too mad at them, Wendy. It's amazing to see how they can resist what they so _clearly_ want. I think we should applaud them."

Her raven-headed friend sighed. "Oh I know, but they're just so aggravating to watch. They're really just denying it."

The—now three—group of boys looked back at the girls, who had been sitting with them for the past couple of days, seeing as some fifth graders had stolen their normal table. It hadn't been too difficult of a transition, but it did involve some upset stomachs, seeing as Stan still had the tendency to puke if Wendy got too close.

Stan decided to be the one to ask. "Who's denying what?"

Red waved her hand from across the table. "Kyle and Cartman are clearly denying their sexual urges to do each other madly."

Wendy nodded sagely. "It's really quite sad."

There was a bit of silence for a while, besides the noises of Stan throwing up violently into his lunch and Kyle looking as if he were close to doing the same. Cartman just looked at if they'd raped and killed Mr. Kitty right in front of his face.

"What?" His voice was very calm, but a green tinge could still be found on his cheeks.

Bebe put down her milk carton and focused on them. "You can't deny it Cartman. The real reason why you have these fights is as an outlet toward the sexual tension you feel toward Kyle. You don't hate him, you're actually in love with him but you just can't find it within your tiny black hole of a heart to confess it." She turned to Kyle. "But it's alright, because it's obvious Kyle feels the same. You can just see the gleam in his eyes when he fights with you; he loves the interaction. Otherwise, why would he still put up with you? If he really thought you were such a jackass, he would have beaten you up worse than Wendy did."

Wendy nodded, speaking up to be heard over the noise of Stan's suddenly more violent and noisy puking. "It might be a disturbing pairing to think about, but we girls will support you in your homosexual tendencies. Stop fighting and just kiss or something."

Cartman swallowed back a bit of bile, and Kyle's left eyelid twitched. "That...is sick." The redhead finally said. "I would rather...no, there's just nothing I can say to that. You girls are sick. Just sick."

"Oh stop it, Kyle, we all know how you _really_ feel about Cartman." Wendy waved her hand dismissively. "No matter how much you _seem_ like you hate him, there's just something in you that can't stand to be away. You keep coming back even though all you do is fight. Admit it, you totally want to jump his bones."

Kyle joined Stan in his upchucking activities, and Cartman scoffed, a smug look on his flabby features. "The Jew might be a flamin' faggot, but not me. Women love this sexiness to much." He stroked his belly, looking more like a glutton having finished a feast than a normal kid.

Wendy shrieked in disgust, Bebe turned a little green at the picture, and Red shielded her eyes to preserve their innocence. The blonde cleared her throat, obviously fighting the urge to join Stan and Kyle. She'd probably have nightmares later. "We all know your secret, fatass. Don't you tell Kyle to suck your balls all the time? It seems like an insult but it's your desperateness coming out for Kyle to understand and actually do it." She thought for a second. "I don't blame you, he has a cute ass, but the time has come to admit it."

The fat brunet turned an ugly shade of red as he finally exploded. "Goddammit, you blonde bimbo, can't you get it? He's a goddamn daywalker! I am the epitome of sexiness! I don't want to bone his pathetic Jew ass and I'm not a faggot!" He slapped the table, his fat jiggling in ways that nothing on earth should ever jiggle like. "I always knew girls were stupid but this will not stand! You can't insult my authority and get away with it!"

The girls looked at Wendy and she nodded, leaning over to punch Cartman in the arm. He squealed and hissed clutching his arm as if he had been stabbed, cursing at her and she rolled her eyes. "You're such a wuss, fatass." She picked up her tray, calling out, "Girls?"

They all nodded and muttered, picking up their trays and moving away, leaving the table behind them covered in blood, puke, and fatass tears.

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><p>Kyle walked down the street, wondering how much convincing it would take to get his mom to buy him the newest Terrence and Phillip that came out on DVD, when Cartman suddenly ran in front of him, blocking his way.<p>

"Kyle! I found you!" Cartman wheezed, tired from the exertion of running—or waddling—down a street.

The redhead scowled, the beginnings of a headache starting as he stared at the other boy. "What do you want, Cartman?" He sighed.

The fat boy cleared his throat. "You see, Kyle, my curiosity has been raised lately..."

"I'm not going to be a test subject and if you want me to pose on a cross I will kick you in the face."

Cartman flushed angrily, sputtering. "_No_, that's not it, dammit!"

Kyle narrowed his eyes. "Then what?"

Cartman cleared his throat again and Kyle rolled his eyes. "As I said before I was so _rudely_ interrupted—" "It's not rude if it interrupts _you_." "Ay! Shut up for a minute! _Like I said_...I'm curious. What those girls said today at lunch made me think."

The other got a green tinge to his cheeks, looking slightly disgusted. "Please don't tell me this is going where I think this is going."

The brunet scowled. "You can't tell me you haven't thought about it too! What if they're—oh God, this is disgusting—_right_?"

Kyle didn't say anything, his lips set in a thin line. He couldn't deny the words, because they were true. As wrong and sick and downright _disturbing_ as the idea was, he couldn't help but ponder over the girls' words in the cafeteria. Was it really true? _Could_ it be true? Was that why he had put up with the disgusting tub of lard that was always there like a massively overweight thorn in his side?Could he possibly be—please shoot him now if he was—_attracted_ to the sadistic, idiotic psychopathic asshole in front of him? Was he really some kind of sick masochist to put up with all of the fatass' stupidity? Did he _really_ want to suck his balls?

"_Urwhh!_" Kyle's cheeks puffed out as he tried to swallow the bile that clawed desperately up his throat for release. He held up his hand and Cartman waited patiently until the redhead had it under control, having done something similar himself when he had first tossed around the idea. Making a face that would make the most seasick person proud, Kyle cleared his throat, motioning for Cartman to continue speaking. As horrible as it was, he would listen, if only for the sake of his reluctant curiosity to know if it could be true. He would not, however, open his mouth, because he wasn't sure if he could hold back the puke any longer if he did.

Cartman nodded abruptly, continuing in a business-like tone. "After a long period of thinking, I have come to the conclusion that," here he paused dramatically. "We have to test it out and see for certain if it's true or not."

The other just stared at him. "I hate you." Then he turned, intent on walking away and going home to throw up in his toilet in peace.

Cartman puffed up indignantly. "If you walk away now it'll haunt you for the rest of your stupid, miserly life, Jew-rat!"

The angry yell made Kyle stop, and he knew the fatass was speaking the truth for once. "Fuck." He cursed, and turned back. "What do you propose." He said between clenched teeth.

The fat boy didn't even give a smug smile at what should have been a triumph—he wasn't exactly enjoying this either—and grimaced. "I have a plan. First off, we have to kiss."

Kyle threw up right then and there.

Cartman passed him a small bottle of mouthwash which Kyle took less than gratefully, washing out the disgusting taste of bile from his tongue. "Anyway, that's gonna be the test. And, if it really is true and we wanna jump each other like flaming faggots," He pulled a couple of things from his jacket pockets: condoms, lube and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. "I have brought the necessities. Now, I figure I should top, 'cause you're a Jew and I'm clearly way more stronger than y—"

He didn't get any farther than that as Kyle loosened a ferocious punch to his fat, flabby face, knocking him on his ass. Cartman squealed in pain as he rolled around, clutching his face. "The fuck!"

Kyle glared at him coldly. "_I _will be the top if it's true. Say you'll top me again and I will rip off your shriveled balls, fatass."

"God_dammit_ you fucking Jesus-killer, why'd you have to hit me?" Cartman whined, and when the other took a step toward him he flinched, relenting. "Okay, okay, fuck!" The fatass got up, gingerly touching his sore nose and lips for any blood, which he did not find. Cursing under his breath he straightened up, and the two stared at each other for a couple of second, each dreading what was to come next.

Kyle scowled. "Come on, let's get this over with already."

They stepped closer to each other, only inches away as they stared each other down. The street, which had had the smallest amount of people traversing it, was now completely empty, and they were alone with no prying eyes to witness what would come.

Both of them mentally bracing themselves, they leaned forward, eyes closing to avoid looking each other in the face. They were inches away, centimeters, millimeters, breathing from the same patch of air...and they kissed.

It was as if time had stopped.

The shortest eternity passed between them as they kissed, their lips locked together in an intimate touch and for a moment, for the slightest second, only they existed in the world. They slowly pulled back, gazing at each other intently, as the world and reality slowly came back to them.

"_Uurghh!_" They both heaved simultaneously, hands clutching at their mouths as they fought the urge to puke violently. After they finally had themselves under control, they glared at each other.

"We shall never speak of this again." Cartman said lowly.

"Agreed."

The brunet stuck out his hand. "Jew?"

"Fatass." Kyle responded in accordance, taking the proffered hand and shaking it as they sealed the deal. Then they parted, each desperate to get home and empty out the contents of their stomachs onto whatever surface was nearest and most available, and cursing girls for their stupidity.

**THE END**


End file.
